My Teenage Hell

If you have read my other blog posts, you will know that I have been chronically unwell for 12+ years.

The first 6 years of this illness are pretty much just a painful blur. The bits I do remember are stressful and upsetting.

I was 11 years old, just a child. Bright, competitive, athletic and had many friends.

I still remember the first day I became unwell.
My life path taking an unplanned and very drastic turn, with a headache and sudden drop in energy.

I was a stressed child, which certainly didn't help the situation, but sometimes I wonder if that was just the beginning signs of the illness starting to take hold.
I was bedridden for weeks.
  The doctors diagnosed me with a virus. I would recover soon.
Family health professionals gave me intense therapy on and off for months.
I didn't improve - if anything, I was getting worse.

Classmates slowly stopped talking to me. Teachers getting less tolerant.
I should be better by now, surely.
I was automatically accused for being a truant. Faking it. - It was assumed that I didn't like school, so hid behind the 'I don't feel well' excuse.
Of course I didn't like going to school...
I felt truly and utterly shit!Who would like to go to school, college, or work, when you're feeling like death and not have an explanation why?!


That was basically my miserable life for the first 5 years of being unwell. Pushed from one doctor to another - accused as a faker.
It took 3 years of fighting doctors to get a diagnoses. I was eventually diagnosed with M.E...
I'm not even sure that having that diagnoses has helped me at all...
Because even after a diagnoses, I still wasn't being taken seriously.

'we all get tired'    'you can't be that ill'  'I get headaches, why are you so different?'    'are you better yet?'   'just push yourself'   'do you want to stay unwell forever?'

The list of patronising and embarrassing things people have said to me could fill a page...

The school I went to treated me very badly, cheating me out of a decent education, refusing to give me home tuition even though I was clearly entitled to it.
They would threaten my parents with legal action if I did not attend school at least an hour a week...
It was all lies. False, shameful blackmail. It was a money saving scheme. 
If a child does not attend school for 15 working days due to medical reasons,
they are automatically entitled to home tuition.
Information Here

The school played on my parents fear, hoping that they didn't know their legal rights.
The pathetic little arseholes that ran the school at the time knew exactly what they were doing.
It was unfair and caused unnecessary stress for me, and my family. What's worse, the school made all of this feel like it was my fault.

My parents were being blackmailed for no reason. But it was scary, so it worked.
I forced myself into school for an hour a week - If I really couldn't manage it, the house would be bombarded with phone calls and letters from the school, pressurising my parents to force me into school.
When I did go into school, I still had no peace, or praise. I was only to be nagged and bullied by teachers and students. They were too naive and ignorant to understand what I was going through.
The teachers in my eyes couldn't be bothered to even find nor believe what was wrong with me.

Most nights, suffering with an excruciating headache coupled with a useless aching body that felt like cast iron.. I often believed that I wouldn't wake up the next morning (if I actually got to sleep)
To my surprise, and sad to say, often disappointment, I did.
The pain was so extreme, even on strong painkillers - was a never ending torture. Pain so bad that it would even wake me up from sleeping. So insomnia decided to kick in as well.

Something must really hate me right now.

Steps forward... 

The last year of school and finally, we managed to get home tuition - Some relief!
I could finally relax a little, and attempt an education without dealing with the dickheads that made my already painful and miserable suffering life a living emotional hell.

I managed to squeeze out 1 GCSE. It's better than none! But if the school had treated me with the respect that I deserved, I could have achieved more.

With home tuition sorted - I could focus on rehabilitation. I started using a wheelchair to go outside, and started going for short car rides that weren't doctor visits.
All steps in the right direction.
To my relief, I'm not as sick as I used to be - but I'm still in pain, and I still struggle to do standard routines.
But as long as I praise myself for the progress that I have made, that's all that matters.

One thing I have noticed about writing this is that it had unleashed a lot of negative memories that I buried.
Buried negativity never leaves nor heals.

I'm utterly disgusted with how my family and I was treated during the most difficult time of my life.
I wish I could sue their sorry arses for every penny they have....

But lets just rein ourselves back into the real world...

One of the many things I have taught myself - and try to practice as often as possible are these 4 things.

1- Remember - However painful. Don't bury things, because they will rise sooner or later.
2 - Accept - Accept that these things happened, face them.
3 - Forgive - It may take time,
but holding a grudge will only manifest more negativity into your present day.
4 - Move on - Once you have accomplished the first 3 things, you will be able to move on.


Writing this post has forced me to remember many awful memories and their emotions that are linked to them.
I am learning to accept that they happened.
I have held a grudge for many years now, it has done me no favours.
I am now learning to forgive those people. They knew no different. I have not affected their lives in any way, so why should they affect mine any longer? 

Just keep walking through your mind..




Old Roads Lead to new ones

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